Nov 12, 2009

The Top Ten Ways to Lose Friends and Alienate People

To continue in my ramblings about friendship, I thought I would help those who have too many friends and might want to get rid of some. Those pesky friends. You know, the ones who call you and follow through on commitments, the ones who love you no matter what and initiate with you. Thought you might like to know how to get rid of those.

10. Never return a phone call
This works wonders. You have a friend who calls you? The best way to let her know you don't really need her as a friend is to stop calling her back. Better yet, answer your phone, get another call on call waiting, tell her you'll call her right back, and just forget. When you see her don't mention it. Don't apologize and NEVER call her back. Just don't do it. Not if you want to lose her as a friend.

9. Show up late to every "date"
This works especially well if your friend is one of those annoying people who shows up early or on time. Make sure it is consistently 10-15 minutes and that you don't call and warn her that you will be late. Make sure that if you DO apologize, you make a really quick excuse like "I just lost track of time." Better yet, don't apologize, just go into a monologue about what a HORRIBLE day you've had!

8. Stand her up
Slightly more obvious is this tactic. Make plans to meet some place OTHER than her house, like a Starbucks and just forget to show up. Call 20 minutes after you were supposed to meet and tell her you would LOVE to make plans some other time, make sure you give her a really lame excuse like... "I fell asleep" or something like that. That really alienates people.

7. Randomly make inappropriate sarcastic jokes about her vulnerable areas.
For example: if she is really sensitive about her weight, I suggest you say something like "yeah, if you keep eating like that, you won't have to worry about losing weight", or if she really wants to have children, but is infertile, say something like: "I'll bet you're glad you won't ever have to deal with THAT" while gesturing to the cute 2 year old throwing a tantrum.

6. Continuously bring up stories about how she embarrassed herself in a group of acquaintances. This is especially effective if she seems really embarrassed and says "don't you dare tell that story" with a serious look on her face. Some people have no sense of humor... and really why would you want to be friends with them?

5. Pick fights in public places and keep fighting till she cries.
This is one that really cements the feelings of animosity you have with a friend. Most people hate conflict, so if you make it really intense, it's likely they won't call you. Ever.

4. Become really needy or territorial
If she goes out with another friend, act jealous and whine about how she should have invited you along. Ask questions like "Why don't you want me to be friends with that person?" and then act offended when they defend themselves. It's really good to reinforce that they are your ONLY friend in the whole world, and that you get LONELY when they don't call you. No pressure... right?

3. Start stalking her, dressing like her, telling her how much you are alike
This one is a lot of fun to really creep someone out. Keep track of her calendar and say things like "I thought you were going to the doctor today", get the same jacket as her and make a point to wear it, and change your personality to be more like her. These are all things that will make someone run away... screaming.

2. Be really critical
Criticize her clothes, make-up, political opinions, and other choices like what kind of car she drives or where her kids go to school. Be sure to regularly bring up her deficiencies, point out ways she is failing to be a "good friend" or something like that. This works best if done with one of the other listed ways, but can be done alone if done regularly and without a break.

1. Compete with her
Never mind that she isn't in a competition with YOU, along with being critical, this is a fast way to make someone not want to call you back. Especially effective is using your children as competitors, point out how great your kids are and then ask about her kids, when you find out they suck, make the appropriate soothing sounds, or better yet, offer advice... If she gets a new car, new house, new spouse, has a new baby, loses weight or has anything good happen to her, point out how yours is better, get really "sour grapes" and say demeaning things... Like if it's a new car, tell her how that car didn't make the consumer reports list, or if it's a new house, criticize the neighborhood. Anything to take attention from her, and put it back on you.

If you do these things, you won't have to worry about having friends. What a relief! For what to do to MAKE a friend, read An Adults Guide to Making Friends

Happy Alienating! :)



  1. LOL! Hey wait, I was late for our coffee date.....hehehehe. Never again will I be late,well maybe:)
    Love this one too funny!
    And I love LOVE the new look of the blog!

  2. Very good post, Great un-advice .

  3. This could help to selectively weed out friends from the current group. hmmmmm...

  4. Okay that was hysterical! I will make sure to remember these tips for all the unwanted friends in my life :) As always my dear, you are a pleasure to follow. Thanks for sharing with us!

  5. SPEAKING FROM THE CRIBNovember 13, 2009 at 10:07 AM

    you have clearly done your research! thanks for visiting me over at the crib!

  6. hilarious! i hate when people don't return my calls! i just posted about friendship too, although it was really just a long rant.

  7. Funny! It would be a good deal breaker list for boyfriends, too.


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