Jul 9, 2010

What I meant to say...

Growing up, in my house we spoke fluent sarcasm.  See the awkward girl in blue?  That was me around 5th grade.  Complete with a mullet that (fortunately) my oddly placed visor was hiding.  I wish I had home videos that I could put on here.  But not the cute ones with me and my sister doing funny things, but rather the snark that happened between me and my dad.

I figure I started speaking "snark" when I started speaking in complete sentences, I learned it from my dad.  He is a funny, sarcastic person who uses his sarcasm to protect himself relate to the world. One important lesson I learned from dear ole dad is that if you can't laugh at yourself, you aren't going to make it.  So he would make fun of me, and I would try to laugh at myself.  I know.  Sweet.

I am merely explaining the odd way my dad and I relate, because in a few more paragraphs, you might be shocked by the way I talk to my dad. I wanted to explain that we have an unorthodox relationship.  There isn't an overabundance in affection there either.  I think when I hit pre-puberty, it freaked him out, so I was left with awkward one armed hugs from the man.  I can't think of a time when he looked at me and told me that he was proud of me, I am not sure he could do that. Before you start crying for me, let me finish. 

He wasn't a bad dad, in his way.  He was there every night after work. He drove me to elementary school in the mornings and had puppets in his car that we played with on the 15 minute commute to school.  He bought me blue hair dye when I was 14, and allowed me to hang out with stoners. He yelled at me for getting bad grades.  He never believed me when I lied and gave me strict boundaries that I would attempt to break through.

He is an attorney, so it gave him great amusement to allow me to come up with a 4 point argument when I wanted to do something that he wouldn't allow.  He talked to me and debated with me and played guitar with my boyfriends (annoying).   When I was a Senior in high school and my mom went back to school, he took me out to dinner, just the two of us, every week.  When I would get mad at him and decide to never speak to him again, he got me talking (and laughing) within minutes.

This is the day I graduated from college.

A few weeks ago, my dad had some sort of "episode" while in a Home Depot, because he has a history of Heart Disease and a family history of strokes/aneurysms, his doctor decided to get him a CAT scan.  What I said: "It's about time somebody examined your head".  What I meant: "OhmyGod, ohmyGod, ohmyGod, ohmyGod."

Then I got a phone call from my dad a few days after that.  He called to let me know the results of the CAT scan. What I said: "Oh good, I was worried there was something wrong with mom, since you never call me."  What I meant: "I am not sure I can handle whatever you are going to tell me, please be funny."

Then he told me that he has a clot in his brain, and maybe an enlarged artery as well.  What I said: "Great, another thing to worry about as I get older.  You couldn't stop with all of your other health concerns right, now you have to toss a stroke or aneurysm in there."  What I meant: "WHAAAAAA."

What I said: "I've always known there was something wrong with your brain, now I have confirmation." What I meant: "Please don't die.  Please.  You haven't written your book.  You haven't taught Ben to golf.  I don't know what the world would be like without you."

What I said: "I'll talk to you later Dad, if you don't die."  What I meant: "I love you. You know that right?"

But those things can't be said, so I wrote them.  I know my mom reads this... maybe the message will get across.  Praying for him and his doctors as they work this out.
My dad and I at my wedding 11 years ago. The song we danced to:
What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Just me, AJ

9 comments:

  1. Okay I am balling all over the place! Praying for you Alissa, and for your Dad! Please keep my posted!

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  2. Awww, I love that song!
    I hope everything goes well for your Dad. Beautiful pictures and story!!
    Lovely.

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  3. I'll be praying for your Daddy AJ. I know how hard it is when someone so close is sick. I'm sure he knows how much you love him.

    Have to stop typing now... I can't see the keyboard through the tears.

    ~Lanie

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  4. B-E-A-UTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wonderful wonderful post!

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  5. OMG, I so understand the sarcasm. Sending prayers.

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  6. That sounds like what I would say to my dad too. If we didn't use sarcasm, I don't even think we could speak to each other.

    My prayers, thoughts, and good vibes are going out to you, my friend!

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  7. I think your daddy will receive this message loud and clear. Hugs and prayers being sent your way!

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  8. I'm right there with you, girl. Going through different health issues but the same relationship stresses with my dad. He was a tower of rigid, bully strength who is fading before my eyes. He's in a lot of pain, and it's difficult to see him that way.
    I'll be praying for your dad and for you.
    btw - I think your sarcastic replies are the way to go. Keeps it your "normal". If you got all sniffly, it might make him think the worst.

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  9. Love you sis, sniff sniff....lots of praying right now. I have been told "not to worry" by the man himself, but its hard. Pretty much think about it constantly. I'm too far away over here.

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