Feb 15, 2013

Beloved... she laughs

The Word: Beloved

GO!

I just have a lot of ... feelings.  I smile through my pain.  Like the Proverbs 31 woman, I laugh at the days to come.  I laugh at today too... and definitely yesterday.   But underneath that laughter is a deep longing to understand what it means to be loved. 

At this point, it would make sense to say I grew up in an abusive home, or a home with absent parents, or a home with an alcoholic father and enabling mother... or even a home void of God.  But it's not true.  I grew up in a home where Church was a priority.  My parents loved me the best they knew how (which is all any of us can do), through the practical, day to day ways that most people love their kids.  

They provided for me.  Let me be a competitive swimmer, and then a dancer and then a water polo player (on the boys team).  They told me over and over... and over ... that I could do anything I put my mind to.  It wasn't perfect.  We had our little dysfunctions, like any good American home. 

Yet, it was safe.  It was home.

And yet... a burning hole in my chest of longing.  Wishing to experience acceptance at the deepest level.  Is it a malfunction in my brain?  Probably.  Is it something I can gain?  I really don't know.  Ironically I simultaneously long to be loved for who I am, and expect rejection at every turn.  

Is this a normal thing?  Is it my special malfunction?  I know that I am loved.  I don't know what it is that I want... really.   Maybe the Five Love Languages book is wrong... maybe we are missing a whole language... and I speak it.

So, this is what I know.  {As God so gently reminded me}.  HE knows me, perhaps better than I know myself.  HE loves me, and that should be enough.  I am HIS beloved.


So I sit in that knowledge... and have to laugh... because that's what I do.

STOP

"And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."  Luke 12:7

  Am I alone in this?  Do we each have our own special emptiness that feels different for all of us??  What do you think?


This was written as a part of 5 minute Fridays over at Gypsy Mama
Interested in linking up? Go over there for more information and to link up, but these are the rules: 1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
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4 comments:

  1. I think we all go through seasons of our life that we question our validity and place. Sometimes, the best thing I can do to stay focused, is just focus on my children. They should be my daily reminder of the gifts given to me. I really liked your post.

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  2. Came across you today, in Five Minute Friday's, and have to say your post rings loudly. You are not alone. I am wondering if that burning hole of longing is something that never goes away... always pulling us closer and closer to the ONLY One who can quench it. I feel a failure, most often, that even with God's hand all over my life, I still don't feel or really understand "beloved". And I know it is exactly what the enemy wants. He reinforces the lie with, "There is something wrong with you." And I open hand and take it... often without even a second thought. And that sends me to His word. The only place I can find and hold tightly to His truth. The weapon the thief can not stand against.
    Thank you for your honest post. I am glad to meet you here.

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  3. You know, at the same time as I wish you didn't feel this way, it is somehow a relief to know that someone that I think seems so stable in faith, experiences this as well. I feel that I all the time have to struggle to be accepted and good enough... or to at least feel that I am. And I always think it is because I'm not "good enough" as a Christian, that I need to pray more, read more Bible, do more of this and that. I probably do, but really, that may not fix it. I suppose we just have to sort of decide that we ARE good enough and try to remind ourselves of what God thinks of us, and sort of brainwash ourselves with that.

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  4. I've been in pursuit of this love, of the understand of it, for a long time. I hope this side of heaven I will finally know what it is like to be fulfilled, to know this love. I too experience deep seasons of void and emptiness where I wonder sometimes if I truly am loved. Thanks for stopping my blog!

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