Mar 30, 2013

Trying to find the Quiet

I turned 36 yesterday and can't imagine life getting any fuller.  The hard lessons I've learned in the past year have turned me upside down and right back on my feet again.  

My world is a mess of daily noise from my two children and the teens I work with, from the children in my kids' classes when I teach music and the worship team I sing with on Saturday nights. I am in a constant conversation, either my voice, or my friends' voices or my kids' voices or the music that encloses and at time defines my life ... the noise fills my senses. 

For lent this year I have tried to spend 15-20 minutes of silence every day to listen to God's voice.  Quiet contemplation, prayer, listening.  I've struggled, I'm not going to lie.  This is the first time in a long time where I didn't get an A+ on my lenten sacrifice {as if God is grading me...}.

If I thought my world was rocked in the last 365 days... the last 40 have been a pretty intense ride.

This is what I've heard & learned:
1. I am never alone. I believe in God and have a very strong faith, but I am a pretty self-reliant kind of girl.  I long to be sheltered and cherished, and when I haven't gotten that from the people around me, I just push up my sleeves, wash my hands and keep busy.  Keep my head down, swallow the pain. God has at times stilled my hands in the last 40 days and reminded me that I need Him to fill the gaps.

2. That loneliness is something that can come in the middle of a crowded room.  If I am lonely within myself, no person, people, group or family can fill that need.  I still don't know why I feel lonely, or unseen... but I am willing to figure it out {with God's help}. 

3.  Spiritual Warfare is very real.  I am not a Pentecostal girl, but it has been revealed to me {this month} that along with Discernment, I have the spiritual gift of Intercession.  As that reality has become clearer to me, and I have begun using that gift, it has been hard to ignore the jabs of the enemy at the gaps in my armor. It's exhausting... but interesting.

4. Pretending to be okay when you are not okay is both foolish and dangerous.  When we are dishonest with the people around us, and we see it as protecting them, we are really just holding up the facade to protect ourselves.  When we are dishonest with ourselves, it will eventually come back and bite you in the butt.  Too vague?  God has revealed to me over the last year who I am.  All along I've known, but have buried it within this life I have collected around me.  Not that I haven't been me, but I have limited the amount of me that I've allowed to show and I have allowed others to limit me.
In the last 40 days I've been challenged to live THAT person in THIS life... and it's been very hard.  Not because she is so different, but because she doesn't fit right here.   Now I have to do the work to clear some space for her to spread her wings, and honestly, I don't know what that looks like.

5.  I have lived my adult life in a constant state of distraction from some pretty significant issues I have chosen to ignore.  I ignored them out of fear.  The fear of rejection, the fear of being alone, the fear that I am not worth more, and ultimately the belief that this is what life is.  I don't think that's true.  Jesus says in John 10:10 : 
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  
I have been striving for the past 16 years to live a life that is fully submissive to God and His leading in my life. In the last 14 days I have realized there are some cracks in the foundation that need to be dealt with.  I haven't been on here much in the last couple of weeks... and I might be slowing down in the next couple of months... but if you think to... pray for me as God continues to take me on this journey. 

The noise all around me sometimes is a comfort and cover for the silent cries within my soul.  I am trying to find the quiet to find my bearings in the middle of this chaotic life, knowing full well that God has me firmly in His grip, even if I don't know where I am. 

3 comments:

  1. So many profound statements here that speak to me here. Praying for you, my friend. He holds you in His grip and HE promises to bring you through. Happy Easter!

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  2. Thank you Barbie! :) It's good to be heard!

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  3. Thank you for being transparent. I truly saw myself... my life... my avoidance tactics... in this awakening entry. It's so difficult for me to be transparent and authentic because of the past hurts and betrayals. Thank you for the encouragement and reminders of God's presence even in my absence.

    Lifting you up in prayer...
    JA

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